The Apartment (1960)
Shirley MacLaine: Fran Kubelik
Fran Kubelik : When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.
C.C. Baxter : I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world - but it's not, really. I went through exactly the same thing myself.
Fran Kubelik : You did?
C.C. Baxter : Well, maybe not exactly - I tried to do it with a gun.
Fran Kubelik : Over a girl?
C.C. Baxter : Worse than that - She was the wife of my best friend. And I was mad for her, but I knew it was hopeless. So I decided to end it all. I went to a pawnshop and bought a forty-five automatic and drove up to Eden Park. Do you know Cincinnati?
Fran Kubelik : No, I don't.
C.C. Baxter : Anyway, I parked the car and loaded the gun... Well, you read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves, but believe me, it's not that easy. I mean, how do you do it?
[cocks his finger, and points to his temple]
C.C. Baxter : Here?
[points to his mouth]
C.C. Baxter : Or here?
[points to his chest]
C.C. Baxter : Or here? You know where I finally shot myself?
Fran Kubelik : Where?
C.C. Baxter : [indicating kneecap] Here.
Fran Kubelik : In the knee?
C.C. Baxter : Uh-huh. While I was sitting there, trying to make my mind up, a cop stuck his head in the car, because I was illegally parked. So I started to hide the gun under the seat and it went off - pow!
Fran Kubelik : [laughing] That's terrible.
C.C. Baxter : Yeah. Took me a year before I could bend my knee - but I got over the girl in three weeks. She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids, gained twenty pounds. She sends me a fruit cake every Christmas.
Fran Kubelik : Why do people have to love people anyway?
Fran Kubelik : Would you mind opening the window?
C.C. Baxter : Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.
Fran Kubelik : I just want some fresh air.
C.C. Baxter : It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.
Fran Kubelik : So they'll shoot me - like a horse.
C.C. Baxter : Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.
Fran Kubelik : Who'd care?
C.C. Baxter : I would.
Fran Kubelik : Why can't I ever fall in love with someone nice like you?
Fran Kubelik : I never catch colds.
C.C. Baxter : Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran Kubelik : That makes me feel just terrible.
C.C. Baxter : Why?
Fran Kubelik : Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
C.C. Baxter : [sheepishly] Yeah... it's me.
Fran Kubelik : Just because I wear a uniform doesn't make me a girl scout.
Fran Kubelik : I was jinxed from the word go. The first time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.
Fran Kubelik : I'd like to spell it out for you... only I can't spell!
Fran Kubelik : You fool. You damn fool.